Keep Laughing!: Summer Vacay 16• The railroad and big picture stuff.

September 14,2020

I planned to take the tour of the Northern Nevada Railroad museum but instead I walked around and snapped pictures at my own pace while the tour group walked in a different direction. History is more than just stories. It’s who we are and what we need to embrace, not escape. If America could remember history then we might be able to live up to our lofty ideals, for those of us who have ideals, sadly not many American people are willing to think in those terms. History is cyclical and lately there’s more than a few indications that history’s lessons are in danger of being forgotten. Never again, again and again and again.

It seems inevitable America will forget and come to embrace fascism wholeheartedly. A lot of America wants it desperately not knowing what they’re asking for. The enemy within will be our undoing. We’re so arrogant I imagine we’ll take the world with us. War. Rumors of war. Famine. Pestilence. Selfishness. Hatred. Injustice. And I woke up in a good mood today. Can you tell?

The writing on the wall is getting harder to ignore. Maybe I’ll be dead by the time the goose stepping commences en mass, but I will stand against that shit so long as I live. It should be obvious we all need to stand together. Unity. Haven’t seen that in a while. I’m trying to remember when I saw it last? Would I even recognize it if it appeared in my lifetime?

I like to think I’ve done quite a bit to combat fascism in my short life, and yet I still feel guilty like I didn’t do enough to change the world. I was never that good at physically fighting and my body has let me know it’s a bad idea for me to consider it now, but I daydream about smashing the smug face of these white supremacist lowlifes. I’ve encountered them, in my face. In my own neighborhood. It’s intimidating. Just like it was when I was 17 years old. I thank god I’m not 17 years old now. This racist bullshit is playing out in the halls of high schools throughout America. I feel for kids today. I remember how sad and lonesome it was to stand up to nazis when i was in high school. I coulda swore that shit was in the past.

It wasn’t too long ago we as a society were debating whether it was morally okay to punch fascists. That argument didn’t seem to last as long as I’d hoped it would. And while I immediately saw it as a good thing to get violent against these ignorant sacks of shit, I was also the first among my friends to pull back and advocate for peace instead. Thankfully most people seem to agree with that ideal. The reality is, as history has shown, the nazis play the victim and then pull the law and order card to get everyone on their side. So getting violent with these apes can only play into their hands. The truth is I’m still on the fence.

I hate them more than they hate me, which says a lot. My whole life I’ve been disgusted by the level of hatred and stupidity that is agreed upon as the norm. I’m disgusted with myself for buying in to it so easily in my own right. I hate them. They make it easy to hate them. But don’t let that lead you to believe I’m enthralled with “our” side. We’re all going down together. Not that it’s not worth fighting for, but what is the fight? Do I see the folly of it all or am I a fool with convictions filled with contradictions that I don’t want to defend anymore? More importantly: where’s the unity? Not sure how or why the fight centered in the city I currently call home, Portland, Oregon. I’m proud Portland has largely stuck to it’s guns and been a good example of what to do. Can America see that? Can Portland sustain that?

I’ve got a lot to lose if I get involved, not the least of which is my life and health. I’ve tried to find ways to be involved. Being a far left radical my whole life I’m in a predicament. I support my brothers and sisters in their fight for justice and my hatred of the hate breeders hasn’t abated but what the fuck am I supposed to do with myself? Am I a failure? Why couldn’t I change the world? It felt like it was within reach, it seemed so close. My privilege talking.

If there’s any consolation it’s that my Marxist theorizing isn’t relegated to the dustbin of history anymore. I always wanted to study Marxist theory more than I did, to make it easier to grasp for my family and friends. Maybe this new generation will be able to do that. That shit is so heady and boring no wonder working men and women can’t stomach it. I hope someone can spice it up and make it palatable for America before it’s too late. What choice is there now? Fascism or Freedom? That’s all I see on the horizon. Maybe there's something I've overlooked?

I ask myself again why I even tried? Why I ever cared? Am I torturing myself just because it’s my nature? I’ve been pitted against the world so fucking long I wouldn’t recognize unity if it happened. Are we on the cusp of it happening? What will it take for the leap to occur? I’m afraid to think what it will take. America only changes with struggle. Terrible struggle. What can we expect?

Anyway. The Northen Nevada Railroad Museum is not to be missed. It is history.